Flushed cheeks

It's the last few days before Christmas and sadly, some of us are still at work.  No matter how much work might be sitting in your pile, it's hard to be motivated when you are surrounded by empty desks.  When Heidi suggested bringing the Scrabble board and having a game or two, it sounded like a good idea.  And having a second game today, when Michelle (my manager!) wanted to play, didn't seem horrible.

But the boss stopped to give us a hard time for not working.  My heart rate spiked and I'm sure my cheeks turned red  - I know they got hot.  It's hardly the end of the world... but I hate that I still have this kind of reaction.  The horribly shy little girl who only managed to eke out some self-respect by being the "teacher's pet" still lurks down in my psyche.  Being caught doing something even mildly naughty provokes a much greater emotional response than I like.  I can put on a good front and respond outwardly to the appropriate degree, but inside I'm cringing and blushing and grovelling. 

Being stuck at work for hours afterwards doesn't help; I can't stop thinking about it.  But even if I'd been able to head off and do something else to forget about it, I know it'll pop up again as I'm falling asleep tonight.  The day in review show will start and I'll feel embarrassed all over again.  The only blessing is that usually by then, I'm able to put the incident in perspective and make peace and move on... but not always.  Those are the nights that I lay awake, unable to get comfortable, my mind churning the facts over and over, trying to find some way of organizing the pieces to make it make sense.  Trying to find some point of view that makes it less of my fault/a learning experience/some kind of positive.

Sometimes, I never get a resolution, I just get distracted from worrying about it by life continuing on it's way.